Goler Wash Free Press

White House Aide Spiked Intern's Water

Dateline: Washington, D.C.; 4 March 2002 -- A former White House aide, speaking under the condition of anonymity, has told the Free Press that it was her job to daily dose intern Monica Lewinski's water bottle with BZ (3-Quinuclidinyl benzilate), a powerful belladonna-based incapacitating agent with hallucinogenic properties. The aide says the orders came from someone high in the White House chain of command who has since been revealed to "not have the president's best interests at heart"; the aide was led to believe the orders came directly from President Clinton. According to the aide, the dosings began sometime in the autumn of 1995 and continued until Lewinsky left the White House in April of 1996. A premeasured dose in a small vial would be waiting in a locked drawer in the aide's desk when she arrived at work each day.

Military Records Document "Unnatural Occurance"

Dateline: St. George, Utah; 13 October 2001 -- Highly classified government documents leaked to the Free Press indicate that sheep killed near Dugway Proving Ground in Utah on 13 March 1968, when nerve gas was accidentally released by a Phantom jet fighter far downrange of its target, apparently rose from the dead and attacked soldiers sent to bury them and gather samples of their wool for testing. The documents speculate that recent UFO activity in the area may have been in some way "responsible for the unnatural occurance." There are indications that some of the soldiers may have been partially eaten by the undead sheep. Further details of the event are unavailable because some of the documents appear to be missing, and the ones that remain are heavily redacted.

Medieval Map of Moon's Far Side Found

Dateline: Paris, France; 6 June 2001 -- Radiocarbon dating has determined that a hand-drawn map showing the far side of the Moon was created sometime in the late thirteenth/early fourteenth century. The map was recently discovered in the Louvre Museum during the refurbishment of a storage area. The features of the far side of the Moon were believed to be unknown until the Soviet spacecraft Luna 3 photographed them in October, 1959. An employee at the Louvre, who asked not to be identified, described the map as being "approximately four feet tall by five feet wide and incredibly detailed."

Ancient Creature Devours Toddler

Dateline: Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada; 21 February 2001 -- Ogopogo Claims First Human Victim. Ogopogo, the prehistoric serpent that lives in Lake Okanaga in south central British Columbia, claimed its first known human victim Tuesday. Two year old Nicole Saunders of Kelowna was entwined by the beast in front of her mother and other horrified witnesses and dragged into the lake. "She was in knee-deep water, and all of a sudden the creature had her and she was gone" said witness Barry Jordan. "Her mom was less than three feet away from her, and was helpless to do anything."

According to authorities, Ogopogo has become increasingly bold in recent months, snatching several small wild animals and pets from the beach near Kelowna. When asked if an alert would be issued, Staff Sergeant Paul Kwalik of the Kelowna RCMP Detachment replied "We don't want to publicize this too much; that would just draw people from outside the area and put them in danger. We're counting on word-of-mouth to keep the locals and tourists away from the lake."

Legends of Ogopogo date to pre-Columbian times, when local Native Americans called it N'HA-A-ITK (Lake Demon) and attributed many human and animal deaths to it. There have been sporadic reports of animal kills by the monster, but this is the first report of a human death in the modern era. (© 2001 United Canadian Press Service. Used by permission.)

Cattle Mutilations in Southern Idaho

Dateline: Twin Falls, Idaho; 16 January 2001 -- A series of "surgically precise" cattle mutilations has swept Twin Falls, Jerome, and Gooding counties in southern Idaho in the last few weeks, an unnamed source tells the Free Press. Local law enforcement officials deny the reports without further comment. The owner of a local dairy farm, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the Free Press that he lost several head, all of which were found "carved up neater than a Christmas ham."

Apollo One Astronauts Found Alive

Dateline: Houston, Texas; 7 October 2000 -- Astronauts Virgil "Gus" Grissom, Edward White, and Roger Chaffee, long believed killed in the Apollo One fire in 1967, were found wandering in an uninhabited area of Jim Hogg county, 260 miles southwest of Houston, according to an unnamed source. The three were suffering from dehydration and exhaustion but were otherwise in good health. The source speculates that an instrument undergoing testing at the NASA/Johnson Space Center in Houston, believed to be a spatial-temporal displacement device (and possibly of alien origin), may have been used to pluck the three from their capsule in Florida at the moment the fire ignited. NASA denies the incident. The current whereabouts of the astronauts is unknown.

Area 51 Employees Killed

Dateline: Las Vegas, Nevada; 3 July 2000 -- An unnamed source has informed the Free Press that four Area 51 employees were killed and 36 more irradiated during the test of an alien fusion reactor when the reactor, whose mechanism is not fully understood, suddenly released massive amounts of radiation. The source stated that this was the third such test, the others having been completed without incident. As many as half of the irradiated employees are not expected to survive.